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Thursday, July 1, 2010

5:42PM - Nostalgia

Looking back on this page really brings back memories. Good ones, bad ones and just plain adolescent insecurities. I guess I'm going through my quarter life crisis, but perhaps i've been going through it for years now.
I want to be 19 again. So many emotions, so full of life. It got crazy, but back then maybe crazy meant good. It's only been 6 years but so much has changed in such a short amount of time. Moving, losing friends, graduating, marriage?! Life is good now, but it seemed better then. I hate responsibilities. There are so many things that I want to do, but i can't focus on any one thing in particular.
I want to move again. KY sucks. I already found the only good thing that exists here. I want to go home. I need to be with the other yankees.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

1:59PM - Yikes...

So, i'm MARRIED! Crazy thought, I know, but true. I finally found the guy i've pretty much always dreamed about. It's weird how Billy embodies all of the positive characteristics that my ex's had with none of the negatives. Don't get me wrong Billy has some bad qualities too but I guess I can't consider leaving socks all over the house a bad quality. haha. He does things that remind me of Eric or Matt occasionally but I don;t get bothered by the similarities, it actually makes me more positive that Billy is perfect for me. All of my dating life has lead up to being able to find Billy. I already knew what I liked and what I didnt like so all I had to do was find the right man(hehe). I feel like ive always been ready for this type of relationship but issues like trust and perhaps just adolescence got in the way.
I know that we are still young but i love that fact that we are just two big kids trying to start a life together. I make him do chores and he reminds me that i'm not always right.haha. We give and take, although he gives way more than I do. I'm working on that.
But in the end it's weird getting older, but it is also amazing. I can look back on all of the fun ive had in the past 7 years and miss it, but also be happy that i'm starting a new chapter. First is deciding where we want to live, then buying a house, careers, and kids. All of these things are within my grasp and I can't wait!
Cheers to being a teenager. Cheers to wild parties. Cheers to stupid ideas. Cheers to my friends. Cheers to life.

Friday, July 25, 2008

11:38PM - movin' on up....

...Not to the east side though. Haha. Remeber that billy kid? Well, he proposed! To me! Hehe. And the ring is beatious. I absolutely love it. We really are becoming a family and it feels really good. I'm finally at a place in mt life were I feel like this is right and I'm ready. Billy is amazing and I really couldn't have asked or lucked in to anyone better. He is perfect for me and I guess I'm perfect for him. I love that little pokey. Hehe.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

11:27PM - stable

it's so nice to be able to title an entry like that. i just moved into my new apartment in old louisville and i couldnt be happier. billy and i are together now and instead of just taking things slow and paying for seperate apartments we decided to just move in together! ahhhh. its crazy but i love it. the rent has been paid up through the year bc of my student loan so billy is paying for ALL of the utilities. its a really good situation actually. i love the kid what else can i say? its great living with him. we have a great time together and we are always laughing. he could be the guy of my dreams... haha. time will only tell and with him i have all the time in he world.

Monday, February 11, 2008

9:33PM - confusion? me?

well well well.

i feel like a couger! is currupting 19 year olds a bad thing? i think not. haha. so hanging out with billy is really starting to take me back to 2003-04. i think that almost all 18-20 yr old guys are roughly the same. billy reminds me a lot of eric... being nervous, affraid to kiss me. haha. but its kinda nice. i am in control for the most part but thats probly only bc i am 23. i must have some kind of a spell over him.
i do like him though but i feel kinda bad for some reason. he is sooo young and over the next 2-3 years he is going to change so much. i know we all did. but on the other hand i like it that he is young and untrained. he's not an ass yet and he'd do anything for me. but the cutest thing by far was waking up to him stroking my face. i dont know why it was cute but i think it might have been just how soft his touch was. i havent felt that in years.
he makes me feel younger but without all the emotional drama. i go to class more to see him i study more with him and i'm getting A's!!!! crazy shit. im still questioning his sexuality but for now ill just stop. as long as he is touching me and not a penis then we're good. haha. oh well.
being a cradle robber is fun, ive never done it.

i'm getting my own apartment this week. hopefully i move in on friday. i absolutely love the place. its a studio apartment with a ginormous walk in closet... really, its huge! i cant wait to actually decorate this time. this is going to be my first real place and i couldnt be happier. thigs just finally feel like theyre starting to fall in place. i just need to be responsible and keep it up. i think i might this time.
ok. bed time...

Thursday, December 6, 2007

6:44PM - ode to delaware

I guess i'm only writing this to continue my life's chronology. I'm in Kentucky going to school with hopes of finally finishing my undergrade but i never would have thought that things would change this much. I miss Delaware. I'm not quite sure why though. Do I miss my former life of slacking and having fun or do i miss what delaware stands for... my pervious life. I hate it here the most because no one really knows me. I've tried to make friends and i've succeeded but its still not the same. People here don't know what i was like in high school or even what i was like my first few yrs at UD. I miss going out on main street and running into people i havent seen for yrs and i really miss the friends i used to have no matter how aweful we were to each other at times. I miss my exes, the people that really knew me even though they say they could never figure me out. I miss Stephanie. Over the past few weeks i've wished that i could just call someone up to hang out or go out to dinner. I don't really have anyone here to just talk to or tell my problems to. No one here, it seems, would even care to listen.
I'm going back to delaware next week for the first time in 3 months and I cant wait. The 12 hour drive is gonna suck but just crossing over that state line will make it all worth it. I know once i'm back there i'm not gonna want to leave. oh well. enough rambling. back to the books!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

3:20AM - Late nights...

I hate it when I can't sleep. Usually I am way passed out by now but adderall has taken over and I am no longer in control of my sleep needs.
I don't really miss you anymore. Yea you might run across my mind a dozen times a day, but I don't miss you. I think what I miss the most is being in love and having a companion. I'm not in love with you anymore. Being in love with you would mean i'm stupid. But i'm not a stupid girl. For the first time in over 5 years I don't have an object of lust. My slat is totally clean and it feels good. I'm not relying on some guy to determine what kind of mood I am in. It's so weird being independent but yet its so enlightening. I am myself.
Not seeing you has done wonders for my mental state. Every day your memories slip further and further out of my head. I wonder if i'll completely forget one day. I've forgotten almost everything when it comes to Brian. Are you next? I guess I can't completely forget someone that caused me so much pain... so I guess youre in luck. Its weird how people can always remember times when life sucked but its a little harder to remember when life was perfect. Or maybe thats just me, who knows.
I'm free.....

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

12:56AM - Just breathe

There you are... curled up on my bed, snuggling with Penny(haha). Songs keep playing, every one of them singing out my emotions. There's a knot in my stomach and it seems to just get worse with every passing minute. Do you know what you do to me? (maybe). You make all of my reasons fly right out of my head. I always think I've figured things out and I feel good about everything, but then you come along and make my efforts go in vain. I can't help but smile though. You bring to life every emotion that I am capable of expressing, you make me feel alive.
Good luck on your internal quest for whatever it is that you are searching for.

Laugh. Breathe. Smile. Cry. Love. Live.

Find yourself...


...then find me.

Monday, January 30, 2006

5:09PM - Je' taime Paris

In less then 48 hours i will be on a plane flying back to the Etas Unis... i say "boo". Ive had an amazing time here, even when i knew some of the good times would get me into trouble. the people on my trip werent the greatest, but i made the best of it and all in all everything was successful. haha, wow. my favorite bar The Mazet has seen my best and of course my worst. and i must include Pierre-Marie, Marc, Jean Michel, Paul, and Damien to my list of "mostly" good moments. shopping, drinking, and just being a damn goof off... yea thats Paris. its bitter sweet going home. im gonna miss this place so much but i cant wait to lay in my bed and have my own damn room. there are only a couple people that i can say i missed but right now i cant decide if i missed them enough to go home and leave here. i doubt they even missed me that much anyway. oh well.

But Paris, I will see you again soon. you can count on that, but untill then i'll miss the hell out of you. i would give you my heart but someone else still has it, but maybe one day it will be yours.

Current mood: hopeful

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

11:10AM

Things have definately changed. Goodbye '03, '04, and '05. Thank you Paris for opening up my eyes.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

2:59PM - Friends Only

My Journal is now "Friends Only"